Stepping back, but not stepping out

After a cathartic off-season, I've finally come to accept and embrace the fact that I'm semi-retired. And that leaves time for some things other than hockey

When I posted a blog earlier today, I was shocked to learn that it had been 42 days – six weeks to the day – since I had last written something in this space. Don’t think I’ve ever gone that long without writing something for publication in my career. It had been so long, in fact, that I almost forgot how to do it. You know, advanced age and all.

This, as they say, is the new reality. I probably won’t go six weeks without posting on this platform this season, but if you care, you’ll probably notice that they won’t be as frequent as they have been in the past. That’s because for the first time since my full-time employment was terminated at The Hockey News in the summer of 2021, I can honestly say that I’m comfortable in being semi-retired.

When I went to a karaoke bar in Montreal with my wife to congregate with my colleagues covering the 2022 draft there, I remarked to her as we left that, for the first time in my career, I didn’t really feel like I was part of that group. I felt like an outsider. The 2022-23 season marked the first time in more than 25 years that I had not attended/covered any of the World Junior Championship, All-Star Game, Stanley Cup final or NHL draft. That stung. Since April 1, 1985, the day I started my career at the Timmins Daily Press, I had never been without a full-time job and I found myself out of sorts and full of financial insecurity. But as time passed over the summer, after two years of struggling with the notion that it appears nobody wants to pay me to cover hockey for them on a full-time basis for them anymore, I came to accept that it was time for me to detach a little from the game and the industry. I wrote less this summer than I ever have in my life. I didn’t do any podcasts. And I began to embrace the notion that there might be something more to life than trying to track down who is going to win the fourth-line right winger spot with the Seattle Kraken (looks like it’ll be Kailer Yamamoto) or how much the salary cap will increase next season.

It has not been an easy process. You struggle with your identity and your self-worth. To say it did not affect my mental health would be a lie. But as my lungs burned on an uphill bike ride in Croatia while other hockey writers were covering training camp in September, a sense of peace came over me. I’m firmly ensconced on the ‘B’ team in my industry and I’m finally getting to be OK with that. For example, the Toronto Maple Leafs open the season against the Montreal Canadiens Wednesday night. I also play hockey on Wednesday nights and this is the week we hit the ice for the first time this season. Prior to this season, I would not have dreamed of skipping the Leafs home opener, especially against the Canadiens, in favour of huffing and puffing my way through an hour of really bad hockey with really good guys at the Don Montgomery Arena. But this year I’ll be playing hockey on opening night, not watching it from the press box.

As we embark on the season, I’ll still be writing. I continue to freelance for THN and occasionally for The Toronto Star (and anyone else who might be willing to pay my going rate). And on this platform, I’ll still be posting when I have something to say, for example opining on the NHL’s ridiculous stance on Pride tape. But I won’t be chasing down or reporting on the day-to-day machinations of the game. There are a lot of people still doing that and they do it very well.

Instead, I’ll be focussing on big-picture stuff. I have a couple of book ideas rolling around in my head and there are some stories I’ve wanted to get my teeth into over the years that I’ll start pursuing. Dylan Waugh and I will continue regular instalments of the Hockey Unfiltered Podcast, mostly because we have a lot of fun doing it and we don’t take ourselves too seriously.

But I’ll also be making time for things such as travelling, playing Pickleball, giving back to my community and getting to my cottage more. I have what I call a Running Bucket List, where I intend on doing a run in each province and territory in Canada and all 50 states in the U.S. (And as many countries as possible. I’m up to 10.). I have only two rules. The run must be at least 10 kilometres (6.25 miles) long and it must be outside. I’ve done all the provinces, but none of the territories, and I have 25 states to my credit. I’m planning on attempting to knock those off the remainder while I still can put one foot in front of the other for that distance.

This certainly isn’t the end. But it is a new chapter. And after taking an adjustment period that lasted longer than it should have, it’s one I’ve come to embrace.

See you at the rink.